I am the opposite. UNcooth;1:strange or clumsy in shape or appearance, outlandish.2:lacking in polish and grace,rugged.3:awkward and uncultivated in appearance,manner,or behavior,rude.
Sunday of last I begrudgingly shoved my body into my panty hose because I didn't feel like shaving.This took quite some effort. After rolling around on the bed and floor for a bit, pulling, stretching,and rearranging body parts, I finally got them on. But I just HAD to tug on them ONE more time, causing them to run.But there was NO way in H-E-double hockey sticks that I was going to take them off after what I have just gone through to get them on. So I just grabbed whatever color nail polish was closest, which of course always happens to be hot pink. Now I was all sweaty, so I just re-applied my Suave powder fresh deodorant.(should have just shaved) Then as I slip on my high heels my mind backflashes to a few Sunday's ago...my family pulls into the church parking lot I watch a woman in my ward who is very COOTH walk flawlessly, effortlessly, GRACEFULLY into the church in her highest of high heels. After we park I get out, I am determined to look as sophisticated and lovely as she. I swing my legs out of the car and my shoe flies off my foot across the parking lot. I run to get it and snag yet another hole in the big toe of those dumb hose, it immediatley runs all the way to my upper thigh. Then as I am running, my panty hose also begin to unroll over my belly to my upper thigh. I put my shoe back on and try to catch up to my family that has probably in embarrassment, run like the wind into the chapel. As I stumble through the lobby I knock over an easle with a poster board on it,as I pick it up I hit my funny bone on the wall. I decide to go to the bathroom to remove the destroyed panty hose. I glance in the mirror on my way out and realize I have only put mascara and eyeliner on ONE eye. This was particulary funny to me because it reminded me of how a few weeks eariler my mother had accidentally used red lip liner as eyeliner, making her look like a clown.
While I am wiping the make-up off one eye, someone knocks on the bathroom door(I am in the handicapped single bathroom that has a lock on it) so without looking I throw the tissue I am using into the garbage and quickly leave the bathroom without a second glance in the mirror.
I go in and sit next to my family, who I must say, looked very cooth, and like they come from a very cooth mother.
My daughter who is coloring next to me drops a crayon and crawls under my seat to get it. She stands up and says "Mom, why is the back of your leg all pink?" I turn my leg, and all over my exposed non-hosed hairy calve is hot pink nail polish from that day's pantyhose repair. It is not just a little nail polish mind you.
So I am feeling embarrassed over my whole pink hairy leg situation when my phone begins ringing LOUDLY DURING the sacrament. And guess where I had to reach for it to make it stop. MY BRA. REAL CLASSY. Least I got to forget to be embarrassed about my hairy pink legs for a second, and just got to focus on being embarrassed about my loud ringing AND vibrating bosom.
After sacrement I got to wander the halls in the heels that I cannot walk in. I am the roll lady(this title fits me in so many ways), so I spend the entire last 2 hours just running up and down the halls, handing out and collecting attendance rolls. It also requires a lot of bending over to pick rolls up off the floor from people sliding them under the door. I feel like I greet people in the hall with my bottom more then I do with my face.
In the first hour I got 3 blisters from my horrid heels. They also wouldn't stop squeaking. So up and down I go squeaking, drawing more attention to my hairy pink legs. Finally I go into the bathroom to take my shoes off, I look in the mirror and realize I have one raccoon eye, where I had tried to wipe off my make-up earlier, nice, it had been like that for hours. I walk out barefoot,which reminds me of an article I had read about Britney Spears being a redneck because she went shoeless into a public restroom. So what did that make me walking around barefoot in a church?
Backflash ends. I am back in my room about to put on my other heel. I remove the snagged hose that I had just repaired with hot pink nail polish. I throw them and my heels into the trash can, and reach for my black flats. I may not be able to be cooth, but from now on I might as well be comfy while I am being uncooth.
5 comments:
oh that is too funny, eve. i, too, have those panty hose nightmares. but whats worse is the jiggling butt without them! once, while sitting on the floor and reading to my grandson, he nonchalantly touches my unshaven leg and says, "oh grandma, that is NOT SOFT!" i will never forget that!
and by the way, you are looking amazing. don't be so hard on yourself, even though you make it sound so funny. we're all going through stuff that makes us feel uncooth too. being cooth is all an act, and maybe some luck too. you're perfect the way you are!
Oh Eve dear, what a nightmare. I'm glad you were willing to share. I struggled to hold in the laughter here at work. If it makes you feel any better, I've walked around with only one earring before, and walked out of the ladies' room with my skirt tucked into my waistband, more than once.
I've fought that pantyhose battle. In fact, the last time was this morning, as I made myself late for school running back to the house, to heft on opaques because it is so BLASTED COLD! Happy mid-May fellow fake Seattle citizens.
Thanks for making me laugh. You are the cutest, and the best roll lady ever!
Eve, I haven't read your blog in forever, but I saw a comment you made on my blog way back in the day and linked over. Oh, I miss you!
You're so funny, and such a good writer. I laughed out loud at least three times reading this. I'd rather be funny and real than couth any day of the week.
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